There is evidence-based research supporting that social interactions with others, such as, building friendships is good for our health. Just like eating a healthy diet and exercising, the friendship muscle must be addressed. Resembling anything else we work on in a meaningful life, relationships are just as important as the sleep we get at night and the water we drink to hydrate our bodies. According to a 2010 study a deficit in social connections may be comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

There is a difference between friendship and other relationships we have. We are born into our families no choice there and for the most part we cannot choose our neighbors or co-workers, but we can choose our friendships. Because we do choose our friendships, it is important to remember to take care of them. Friendships take effort, time, commitment, love and loyalty and so much more, it is not a walk in the park.

According to current research when forging a friendship with someone it usually requires at least 200 hours of connecting with each other to build a friendship. When you think about it that is a big commitment! Unfortunately, since COVID the hours Americans engage in friendship has declined. Whether it is due to fear of being around others or working from home. There is also a decline in community organizations, clubs and religious groups. In fact, most of our social interactions take place online instead of in person.

 Playing games in the past was a group activity that required us to be present in person these days anyone can play a game online with others without ever meeting that person. Current research is reporting that young people are reporting levels of loneliness that in the past decades were typically associated with older adults.

There is a recent study just published in the Psychological Science Journal this month that reports the loneliness curve is U-shaped. The findings state that young adults self-report they are lonely and that loneliness tends to decline as people approach midlife and then rise again after age 60 and becoming more profound around age 80. In fact, at either end of the age spectrum it is more likely that people would agree with statements such as: “I miss having people around me” or “My social relationships are superficial.”

According to the Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, “We have social muscles just like we have physical muscles and those social muscles weaken when we don’t use them.” 

When loneliness is ignored, it can be dangerous to our physical and mental health. In fact, it has been linked to problems like heart disease, dementia and suicidal ideation.

There are some things that we can do to cultivate a sense of belonging and social connection at any age. Here are a few suggestions that I found.

• Do a relationship audit: there is no reason to wait till old age to check on the quality of your relationships. In fact, research states that the longer we wait the harder it is to make new connections. Studies suggest that four to six close relationships are a good number. The quality is more important than the quantity according to research out of Brigham Young University. According to Dr. Holt-Lunstad, “different relationships can fulfill different kinds of needs. Just like you need a variety of foods to get a variety of nutrients, you need a variety of types of people in your life.” Ask yourself the following questions: Can you rely on and support the people in your life? Are the relationships you currently have mostly positive or negative? If you answer those questions positively than those relationships are beneficial your mental and physical well-being.
• Join a group: Joining a meetup group, a community group, participate in social sports league or volunteering can all be a way to find meaning and purpose. Research findings suggest that poor health, living alone and having fewer friends contributes to a sense of loneliness after age 75.
• Cut back on social media: Instead of conversing on social media or online or through a text pick up the phone and call a friend to go out for a walk that way you talk and get exercise.
• Take the initiative: This is the time to exercise the vulnerability muscle. This means don’t wait for someone to always call or message you. It is hard to reach out and ask for help because there is always the chance that you may get a no but try to stay away from forecasting, it could also be a “yes”. An act of kindness, a smile, usually goes a long way when you are trying to solidify a relationship.

There are simple smaller efforts that we can do on a daily basis to connect with friends to help the relationship grow like text messaging to ask how are you doing, have a good day or just say hi with an emoji smile. These little efforts can brighten someone’s day and become the building blocks of something more.

Right after the pandemic in December of 2022 I started a friendship meetup group for women over 50 and beyond through health and wellness. I did this because of all of the above research regarding aging and longevity. I spent my whole life living under a rock in my own cave working solo and never had a network of friends mostly because I was afraid. I had no idea how to do this but I decided to take a giant leap and see what happened. After all, I expected my patients to make goals and pursue these objectives so why not me. I did not come up with a reason to not do this so I just did it.

Since my venture out into the world of socialization and friendship I have learned a lot about myself, the way other people see me and how to begin relating to others from beyond the chair of psychologist. It is not just my goal to organize, promote, encourage and educate other women to make friends and be healthy, but to also step out of my own way as an introvert with social anxiety and make friends as well. I am happy to say that it is all working out well and I have come a long way.