At first glance this doesn’t sound very difficult right? Making friends with myself easy-peasy. No not so much. When I bring this subject up in sessions with my clients, they look at me like I have two heads and when I look at them, I see a big question mark on their foreheads. This concept befriending yourself seems to be a foreign one for most of us. I touched on this in my last blog it is called self-compassion. Sounds really beautiful right? Let’s say it again listen to these sweet words, SELF-COMPASSION. What does this mean exactly? Well in a nutshell it means loving kindness towards self and the ability to recognize that as humans we have more in common than not. In order for us to be kind to ourselves we have to be able to recognize in the moment that we are being unkind, judging and self-condemning which results in you got it, suffering. Therefore, self-compassion is actionized and recognized when we are suffering. Suffering should be easy to recognize, right? We generally feel terrible, lack energy, cannot get out of bed, we isolate from people we care about and care about us and then we may even pick up one of our habitual ways of soothing ourselves, you know those addictions we all have.
I would like to share a beautiful poem that a patient authorized me to pass on. I am fortunate to be able to work with some really beautiful beings that allow me to assist them on their journey to the heart of who they really are. In his own words he describes what it is like to be stuck in suffering.
I feel lost, alone
A stranger in my own home
like I’ve been dropped in a maze
with no way out
Leaving me hopeless without a doubt
I’m searching for that person I was
The one I knew all so well
Happy and content
with many stories to tell
But sadly, I fear he is now gone
Leaving me with an emptiness
that goes on and on
I hope one day he will return
to bring joy back from sadness
and some light to this earth
I love my wife
She deserves more than this
and I’m certain my return
will bring her much bliss
So, I brave on
though the pain is great
As I’m learning many things
to help me compensate
Balance is the key
it always has been
So, I’m hopeful that loving myself
will help me fit in
Hope is the greatest the best thing of all,
but its only as good as the work you install
This poem is a beautiful expression of just how difficult our lives can be when we are lost and cannot find our way back to our own hearts. This process of going home to ourselves is not so easy as it requires us to connect with the very nature of who we are. Unfortunately, that part of us is covered over with all kinds of debris which in my profession is known as defenses.
HOW DID WE GET TO THIS PLACE OF SELF LOATHING?
Where did the roots of self-hatred begin? As mentioned in my previous blogs this began in childhood. Whether we were loved or unloved is where it all began. My mentor Dr. Kenneth Wapnick was always quick to remind us that children are bottomless pits of needs. The first time I heard him say this I had to take a pause and then I thought, what? I would like to begin here, if a child has a need and the child has a fear of expressing that need then the need probably does not get met, right? When this happens the child experiences rejection, and perhaps trauma from that experience. Maybe even trust issues. Then the child develops a defense mechanism to protect against being harmed in the future. If the child’s needs are thwarted, then the child will come up with a way to get that need met perhaps through a negative behavioral pattern. For instance, let’s say the child is looking for affection/love and the parent is too busy to make time for the child, so the parent scolds the child and says go to your room and play with your toys I am busy right now. The child may interpret that as “I am not worthy of love, or I am not very important.” Mind you this is all done unconsciously as the child does not understand this consciously. A child is completely dependent on his/her parents and therefore he or she is not likely to take into consideration that there is something wrong with the parent, it must therefore be me. This then becomes the birthplace of self-hatred. Therefore, the child will probably decide to be perfect, “if I do everything right then I will be loved”. The child mistakenly believes that there is no choice that his or her life depends on getting it right to be loved. The mistaken belief, “I am not lovable because there is something wrong with me” becomes the child’s mistaken identity. If I do it right, I will receive love, so I have to do it right. This then becomes a thought distortion known as black and white thinking or all or nothing thinking and the very foundation that maintains the self-hate system. So, here comes the “judge” created to make sure that the child is perfect, right and good. The creation of the self-critic or judge is the ego’s guarantee that self-hatred will continue. As mentioned in a previous blog this developmental process continues till age seven at which point the judge is fully socialized and guaranteed a permanent position in the psyche. The conclusion here is that needs are bad, and we are therefore bad for having needs. The one major need that we all have is the need to be loved and if we have concluded that we are bad for having needs then we have also determined that we are unlovable. How do we survive if we feel we are unworthy of love? Let’s take a look at this process, we learned to abandon ourselves long ago due to not having our needs met and turned our attention to getting them met in the outside world. What do you think is going to happen now if we are looking outside of us to get our needs met? Right we will never find it outside because the injury is inside our minds. Not only is it hiding inside our mind, but we have forgotten where we put it and it is now controlling our lives. We all have needs; we want to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are and who better than “you” to begin to address that in the here and now.
Pema Chodren states, “although it is embarrassing and painful, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself.” Human beings have many defenses at our disposal to hide and defend against healing. That sounds counterintuitive doesn’t’ it? Why would we want to defend against healing? Because we think we are right about what we think of ourselves. In other words, it is ingrained in our psyche to believe that we are unworthy of love. Therefore, it is healing to become aware of all of the ways we hide. We deny, repress, isolate, lie, project, and criticize others. My mentor would emphasize the importance of looking kindly and with a smile at all of the ways we defend against seeing the truth. There is only one way of looking at this and that is with kindness, compassion and a gentle smile. I would contend that the journey to self-awareness is a difficult one from my own experience. Furthermore, it continues to be the most painful yet worthwhile journey of my life. To take an honest look within and not hide the way I feel is freeing to my soul. I remember having this conversation with my mentor when I was well into The Course about the difficulty of this journey of inwardly looking at the ego self. He would remind me with his gentle smile and compassionate words that I was definitely on the right track and I needed to be kind, and loving, “gently smile my little sister when you make mistakes.” At times it felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath my feet and everything I once knew was completely falling apart and I was groundless. The pain of this kind of work is indescribable but I can tell you that it is worth it because we are all worth it. Not only is it worthwhile for you it is also important for all of humanity as we are all one. As mentioned before the reason we harm others is because we harm ourselves and when we set that into motion the planet and everything in it suffers because we end up projecting our dissatisfaction out into the world. I don’t know about you but isn’t it time to change that?
FIRE YOUR INNER CRITIC
Let’s face it if we had someone in our lives that treated us the way we treat ourselves we would have left that person a long time ago. But as most of you know that voice in our heads is still there loud and clear. What’s even more incredulous is that we believe the voice in our heads is telling the truth. We don’t even question it we just automatically believe everything that is said. Why is that? Well the logic or illogic goes something like this, it’s in my head so it must be true, the voice is on my side, has something valuable to say and is credible. However, the voice in our heads is not logical, not on our side, is not valuable, and it is most definitely not credible. We have grown up to believe that, but it is not the voice of truth and it is most definitely not on our on our side. What we are hearing is the voice of the ego self and it does not have our best interest at heart. Instead when you hear this voice in your head talking to you start to question it, and label it as thinking. That’s right thoughts are not facts. What is called for here is kindness, compassion and love towards the thought. Start to question and gently let go of the thought instead of beginning a downward spiral that feels like quicksand. Furthermore, the more you struggle, fight against or resist the more you sink into the quicksand or never-ending downward spiral. So, when I say the more you resist what is going on what I mean is don’t sit there and try to prove to yourself that the thought is true when it is not. It is not a winning battle you will never prove that the thought is true because there is no evidence to support this thought distortion. Instead remember this, whatever you resist persists. In my practice I refer to this in many different ways sometimes I refer to this process of battling with our thoughts as a hole that we continue to fall into and cannot climb out of or a fish that is hooked by bait, and then struggles to get off or a log in a fire pit that is just quietly there minding its own business till we throw kindling, kerosene and a match on the log and then it is a blazing fire. The key with any of these examples is to be mindful of the hook or igniting a fire in our minds when there is nothing there. Once the process has begun the only way to address it is to not struggle with your thoughts, do not go to battle with your thoughts you will not win. In other words, don’t make it worse by throwing more into the mix, more self-condemnations, or judgements. Hands down the thoughts always win and we are exhausted from the battle. There is no way to validate what is not true which is what the struggle is all about. The only way out once this starts is to stop struggling, stop what you are doing, sit down, observe and breath without attachment in a non-judgmental way. A gentle smile, loving kindness and acceptance is the only way to overcome these negative thought patterns. This process is called befriending yourself after all wouldn’t you do this for a friend that came to you with her self-judgements.
WHAT IS THE IMPORTANT TAKE AWAY?
Remember not wanting to be you because you are in so much pain is the most significant underpinning of self-hatred. If we want to move through this conditioned way of thinking there is only one truth to remember and it is not a secret fix for this problem because there is nothing wrong with you. This is a lifelong journey of self-discovery; we have to find what is already there and has been covered up for decades. We must remember that this is our responsibility our decision to take care of self, to live life in integrity and compassion and it is a required lifelong journey. The internal relationship with yourself is just as important as any external relationship in the world. Taking this one step further this is like having a love relationship with yourself that needs to be tended to for the rest of your life what a beautiful thing.
Remember what Gandhi said be the change you want to see. That applies here as well we are the only one who is responsible for the change we want to be. It is a choice to become our own best friend, but why not. Being our best friend requires us to become a good listener, to give ourselves loving kindness, compassion, unconditional love and acceptance. No matter what you heard as a child it is not selfish to love and be kind to yourself it is imperative, and it takes us closer to becoming selfless. Selflessness is what we resist, because we all want to be self-important, special and we fear losing any false gains that we think we have. The loving kindness that is important to develop here is not towards the self as ego but to the self as mind. The negativity is in our minds and that is what we need to be able to look at. According to Dzigar Kongtrul, “When you wish to be happy and free from suffering, and yet your mind is not supporting you, it’s very easy to resort to thinking that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.” However, this negative self-talk is so loud that it overshadows the right-minded way. In fact, this voice in our heads is the single most effective way of avoiding awakening from this dream. This is where the resistance is, in the mind! If we believed we are loveable, and had self-acceptance there would be nothing else to do would there? All this really takes is a little willingness to accept that we are wrong about what we believe, and we could all instantly awaken from this bad dream and be at home in the heart of the Buddha Self, Guru Self, God-Self or Christ-Self just like that! So back to the question of this blog, what do you think now, is befriending self-possible or impossible?
I will leave you all with this lovely poem by Rumi which speaks to the darkness and how to make it your friend.
“Search the Darkness,” from The Pocket Rumi, ed. by Kabir Helminski
Search the Darkness
Sit with your friends; don’t go back to sleep
Don’t sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.
Life’s water flows from darkness.
Search the darkness don’t run from it.
Night travelers are full of light,
and you are, too; don’t leave this companionship.
Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish,
don’t slip into the dirt like quick silver.
The moon appears for the night travelers,
be watchful when the moon is full.