In sessions I often hear in patients discuss what is known as ego comparisons. Humans seem to be obsessed with looking outside themselves to define who they are.  It is important to realize that there is nothing outside of us that can give us that can define who we are or give us what we are looking for. We will never find anyone or anything outside of us that is exactly the same. We are all very different and unique which is why all we really need to do is look within. Inside of each of us is where the beauty and the happiness dwell.  When we are willing to take an honest look at ourselves and begin to breath gently with non-judgement, nonviolence, respect and kindness, that is when our path is transformed. With a deep gentle breath, we touch the child within and access that sweet tender spot. Touching that part of self with kindness, compassion and acceptance is the only way to make friends with yourself and develop true equanimity, peace and happiness. When we learn how to do this, we are better able to address pain, anxiety, irritation, or anger with kindness. The capacity to breath through these moments waters the seeds of acceptance, kindness and compassion. I was listening to a podcast over the weekend with Brene’ Brown interviewing Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry on trauma. During their discussion they all agreed that the only way to move through a difficult emotion is to breathe through it and utilize that moment to calm yourself so you can go deeper, learn something new and develop resilience. I also hear my yogi discuss this everyday in class breathe through the discomfort, monitor your thoughts and meditate through this. I often hear that breathing does not work from patients. Maybe it doesn’t work because their fear is activated, and they are afraid to go deeper. Breathing is your companion, and it is there for your comfort.

Most of us are afraid to go deeper and revisit the pain that we believe we left behind. However, it is a fallacy, that we have buried those memories. In psychology we call this denial and repression, which are defense mechanisms that we utilize to shield us from the pain. However, it doesn’t work, the pain remains hidden in our bodies.  As Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk states so eloquently in his book, “The Body Keeps The Score”, the body literally keeps the score. We can tell ourselves it is gone, and we can try to convince ourselves that we buried it or worked on it, and we don’t have to revisit these memories, but they remain. Every cell in our body holds memories, it would literally take us a lifetime to work it all through, if we could. In fact, it may take lifetimes. Oh, I can hear some of you saying, “tell me it isn’t so!” All of you have heard me say over and over again we are never done; this is a lifelong journey not a sprint to the finish line. Therefore, it is up to each of us to determine what kind of journey we may want this to look like one that has flower petals filled with denial and repression or one with gentle ups and downs that encourage us to look withing and move through areas of our lives that hold us back.

We don’t need to be afraid of the past according to Tich Nhat Hanh. But we don’t want to get lost in the past either. We want to develop a healthy curiosity to approaching the past. We definitely don’t want to increase our pain over things in our past that we cannot change but we do want to develop a healthy respect for looking with open eyes and learning from the past. When we learn from our past, we are able to benefit in the here and now and in the future. Make the past the object of our study, through mindfulness meditation. However, it is important that when you do this practice you remain anchored in the here and now. You do not want the past to overwhelm you or drag you into the abyss, you want the past to be your teacher.

Mindfulness has a lot to teach us about forgetfulness, because let’s face it we are all forgetful. Usually, our minds are caught up in our anxiety, worries, fears, anger and regrets. When we are caught in the past or in the future we are not in the here and now and that means we are in a state of forgetfulness. Tich Nhat Hanh states the opposite of mindfulness is forgetfulness. It is as simple as that, what a perfect way to check in with yourself, are you in the present or the past, mindful or forgetful? Mindfulness encourages us to take a deep breath and               connect with your body in that moment. As I have discussed previously the breath is always with us it is portable, and we can use it periodically throughout our day to ground us in the moment. When your mind and body are in synchrony with each other you are in the present moment. When you are in the moment you can learn to appreciate all of the nuances around you and use gratitude to cultivate a feeling of happiness which is our natural state of mind. As Pema Chodren reminds us, “having a sense of gratitude towards everything, even difficult times and emotions, has the potential to wake you up.” When there is mindfulness of the breath there is a harmony and calmness within that permeates through our cells. Remember, whatever happens in the mind affects the body and vice versa. Peacefulness of mind through breath leads to peace in the body.

Before we close let’s look at the art of happiness

According to Tich Nhat Hanh, we can all learn how to create happiness. He reminds us that if we had parents that created a happy family environment, we were very fortunate and we know what that’s about.  But as I know too well as a psychologist and as a person with my own history this is not usually the norm. Most of us did not grow up with great role models and therefore we don’t know how to foray this foreign territory. It is not black and white, right or wrong, good or bad it is about skillfulness. These habits are passed on unconsciously from generation to generation unless we decided to live a more mindful conscious life. Living and loving together is an art and one that does not come easy, especially if there were no healthy role models. This requires the art of listening with openness to yourself and others, without judgement. By practicing this skill over and over again we can develop this for ourselves, which extends to all our relationships as well as leaving a legacy for our children. This is also known as the process of “selective watering” a term coined by Tich Nhat Hanh. When we practice looking within without obstruction, we can identify the positive seeds we want to water daily. Practice is the way we train ourselves to water the seeds of positivity. It is really up to each of us every moment of our day to decided which seeds we choose to water the positive or negative. The positive seeds cultivate peace, and the negative seeds cultivate pain. With a little mindfulness we can all learn to water the positive seeds and create a more peaceful, happy life.