I thought I might start with the above quote by Walt Whitman and share a story about a little girl, I once knew her name is Linda. I thought in my littleness a life worth living was being loved by my parents. Unfortunately, my parents couldn’t embrace my dictum because they had never experienced that themselves. But of course, that is hindsight on my part because when I was a little girl, I did not understand why I did not receive love from anyone in my family. Now you may be wondering, no one? The answer is no one. When I was a little girl I always wondered if I was dropped into the wrong home, because I did not feel loved or welcome. My family life was very chaotic, dysfunctional and unpredictable. I really couldn’t trust my world or anyone in it. Consequently, I learned to depend on myself for everything. This was a cold and empty existence. However, I learned a lot from this life, and I am where I am because of this classroom. It really is about when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. This does not mean I always did the right thing and that it was an easy journey. Contrary to that I made an abundance of mistakes and every time I made one, I learned something and made sure there was a takeaway.

Because there wasn’t anyone there for me growing up, I had to find someone or something that I could go to for support and guidance and that being was Jesus/God. He was definitely my touch stone and remains so in the here and now. As I could have never taken this most difficult journey without him by my side. As a child I used writing and visualization to assist me along this journey. Writing was always very important to me as it was the only pathway that offered me a place to discuss my feelings and my life experience. I know it was my diary, but my little diary listened to my suffering and caught my tears as they fell onto each page. One day I was angrily writing, and my mother grabbed my diary read it ripped it up and through it in the garbage before she thrashed me verbally and physically. I was no stranger to her rantings and ravings but why did she take my diary and trash it. I thought this would be the last time I expressed myself in a diary but thankfully I just got more creative with where I did my writings and where I put my little book. She taught me to be tenacious, disciplined and responsible even though it was not kind and compassionate, nonetheless I learned.

My parents actually did me a favor in life for as awful as it was, I learned to go inward to meet my needs and that meant learning about who I was. I of course did not know what I was doing till later in life but my journey towards becoming a nurse which my mother was definitely against and thwarted my passage whenever she could. Nonetheless these were my first step towards separation and individuation. My journey through nursing is what lead me to my patient’s psychosocial needs and then towards my current career as a clinical psychologist. I don’t think my mother ever saw that coming. Although she was proud of my doctorate in psychology, she knew one day I would figure out what this was all about and that day was drawing near. The day that I could unbind myself from this life tragedy and turn it into something more meaningful to me.

In the here and now I do realize that my story is a story it does not mean that it was not my experience, but I do not have to continue to hold onto this story. Therefore, as I moved through life, I would open my aperture of my lens to accommodate a larger frame of reference. Why   you say? Because the story I was holding onto was limiting my life experience and ultimately my happiness. As James Hollis states, in his book “Living Between Worlds”, “every case history is a fiction.”  Aristotle also points out that nothing is ever factual because our own personal lens is distorted by our personality, psychology and cultural biases.  Therefore, our history is thrice removed from the truth. Therefore, it is not what we think it is about, it is merely an illusion of what we don’t see and all a symbol of our unconscious mind. This means our minds are very defended and resistant to treatment. Sometimes holding onto our stories can destroy our souls and bring us unhappiness.

Pema Chodren would say we are at one with our neurosis and our wisdom we cannot separate them and if we throw one out, we throw out the other. Furthermore, if you let go of the story line whatever it is you will begin to see clearly how we are the ones that keep it all going. This is key so please read those words carefully, WE ARE THE ONES WHO KEEP THE STORY GOING. This means we further our own suffering. Sure, we can blame others for upsetting us, but we chose it. Once we choose it whatever the upset is, we become anxiety directed. What this means is that our symptoms arise from the part of self that wants to protect us from a threat. But what’s the threat? An external picture that is influenced by an internal condition of fear. It is an illusion and nothing else.  Yet we continue to insist that it is real, and we stick to our story and we get stuck in our storyline. Why? Because we want to believe that someone else or something else is responsible for our pain and suffering. Which only serves to keep our focus in the wrong place on someone or something else and there is plenty of that in our world. There is no way to avoid suffering and pain in this world and unfortunately there is only one way to deal with it and that is to look at it and stop trying to escape from it. You see what you don’t understand is that this place that we run to the comfort zone only serves to perpetuate the darkness. Why? Because you are looking in the wrong place and doing the wrong things avoidance, denial and addiction. These defense mechanisms will not help you to make peace with yourself it will just keep you stuck in the pain. The only way to make peace with yourself is to become intimately aware of self, in other words get to know yourself well.

A Course in Miracles by the way agrees with this by stating that our ability to learn about the world and our place in it is affected by the world’s reality. In fact, the images that we see are merely shadows and illusions. Again, we return to the concept that the self we make is made by us. What Buddhism refers to as interconnectedness we are all one no matter what the outward world would have us believe. The world we all know and recognize would have us believe that we enter here without a self and we have a creative license to make a self-up as we go through life. In this illusion we are offered the opportunity to meet and greet the world equally with all of it’s demands. However, this is not true, our concept of self is not self-made but rather one that is influenced by our lineage and most importantly by God. The image of self the world would have us embrace is twofold, on one side it is the face of innocence otherwise known as the victim which by the way is the only one we feel comfortable recognizing and the other is victimizer. In reality our world is one of victim versus victimizer and we see it everywhere we look yet no one takes the time to notice or question the story. The Course states, “seek not your Self in symbols. There can be no concept that can stand for what you are.” Therefore, it is up to us to discern what is and what is not real. Do we want to be the self that chooses to interact with evil and react to an egregious world or do we choose a meaningful way to witness the world and our self-concept in this world? Furthermore, to witness a guilty world means that you have chosen the wrong teacher, the outside world rather than looking within to find the only teacher that can help us move through this world is our internal spirit guide, guru, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, does not matter what you identify it as. A guilty perception of the world means that you will also experience yourself as guilty this is the way it works. The outside world is a picture of our own internal condition our perceptions. Therefore, if all you see is guilt, fear, and shame that is an internal representation of your own life experience. A right-minded perception of self would provide a picture of sameness.  There would be nothing outside your own perception of the world it is all inclusive not exclusive. The most important part of this is the world cannot teach you what you do not want to know unless you are ready to learn. The Course therefore states the below statement is the most frightening of all the statements we could hear:

“I do not know the thing I am and therefore do not know what I am doing, where I am or how to look upon the world or on myself. “

Yet this is the place we need to get to in order to change our perceptions of self and other or the world at large.

According to Buddhist teachings the dharma is the study of what is and “the only way you can find out what is true is through studying yourself.” Therefore, whoever or whatever comes into your life can teach you something that can help you to awaken from this dream or nightmare. According to James Hollis, “the only way through dilemmas is through them which is precisely what our protective mechanism are trying to protect us from experiencing.” This is another way of saying the only way through the door is through the door. We have to be willing to walk through the door and see what meets and greets us on the other side. There is no way back once you walk through the door and decide to meet yourself and know who you really are. This is the day you have been waiting for the truth about who you really are. You will be glad you went through the door.  

Back to the question, what makes a life worth living? For me it is my spiritual life that makes my life worth living as it teaches me and has taught me to live a meaningful life of loving what is and embracing and loving myself fully no matter what! I encourage all my readers to take the leap stand on the edge, lean into the uncomfortable and embrace it all.  I guarantee you that love is waiting for you.