The most profound realization I ever had was recognizing the love I so desperately searched for my entire life was always waiting patiently inside me. My pursuit for the meaning of love and finding that right person was so imperative to prove to myself that I was worthy of being loved. Of course, as a child I didn’t know what love was, yet it did not stop me from wanting to be loved by my parents. However, unfortunately, they could not give what they did not have or did not receive from their parents. This feeling of not being loveable stayed with me for a long time and it wasn’t till I came face to face with death that I realized there had to be a better way to move through life. It was a sure thing that I was never going to get that love from my mother even though I never stopped trying. But somehow something truly scary ended up becoming my greatest gift to awakening from the darkness into the light. I definitely don’t want it to seem like my journey just immediately turned around right then and there, but somehow the journey was no longer lonely. There was a lot of shifting taking place in my life during this time of my life which is sometimes referred to as an existential crisis or dark night of the soul.

I suddenly realized while I was healing from cancer, losing my marriage, leaving the state of Illinois, selling my home and leaving my familial roots behind, there was a strength coming from within supporting me in all of these difficult changes. While I was doing all of this, I was immersing myself in the spiritual practice of A Course In Miracles which eventually led me to Dr. Kenneth Wapnick. It was then that the rubber hit the pavement and I began to look deeply within to make that connection with self, the self that I had little awareness of and yet was so desperately wanting my love. Again, this doesn’t mean I didn’t continue to make mistakes and look for love in all the wrong places, because let’s not forget habits are difficult to break and easy to make. Let me just say this was anything but easy, and yes there was a lot of kicking, screaming and resisting along the way. But my wonderful mentor was always encouraging me to continue down the path of loving kindness and forgiveness and ultimately that was what I wanted too.

THIS IS THE JOURNEY

What I discovered was a practice that awakened my heart to how much pain there was within that I had to look at and let go of. This is the difficult part of the journey looking and letting go. When we begin to look at the memories the pain, our regrets we have to be able to look without judgement, with kindness, understanding and compassion. Inside each of us is a suffering child that is waiting for us to turn inward and address her/his needs. We all have the mistaken belief that if we ignore, repress or deny that part of self we will protect ourselves from future or current suffering. However, it does not work that way, ignoring the wounded inner child just makes the child more petulant. The wounded child is always there reminding us that she/he needs us to recognize her/him, give that part attention, and love. Therefore, running away does not end our suffering because there is nowhere to run to. How can we possibly run far enough away from ourselves? The child within asks us for love and attention, yet we give it the opposite, judgement and condemnation. Therefore, what essentially happens is that we end up prolonging our internal suffering by ignoring and chastising the inner child (self). We run away from the voice/child/self-within because we think looking will result in more suffering. We convince ourselves that we do not have time to do the work by constantly looking outside of us for more and more stuff that we don’t need, and distractions that keep us temporarily unconscious, such as, sleeping, television, social media, alcohol, drugs or whatever else we find to divert us from the moment. All of these distractions are called habits addictions that serve to detract us from being with ourselves.

Yet the wounded child/the self within is there with us always waiting for us to turn in and recognize her/ him. Just because it is not tangible, and we cannot see the child does not mean it is not there. All it takes to see the child is to look deeply within in this moment right now. It is our fear of pain and suffering that resists this journey. It is important to remember that just as the child is there with the accompanying suffering so is our happiness and positive feelings. Therefore, when you ignore what you believe is bad or negative you also discount the good parts of self. Moreover, we have the light within to lead us through the darkness. That light is mindfulness, it is always with us waiting for us to turn towards the light. The light of mindfulness shines out the darkness in the recesses of our mind. By touching that inner part of self/inner child we are able to cultivate the energy of mindfulness self-compassion and understanding for the denied part of self. The best part of turning towards the wounded child or self within is then we are better able to allow others to love us as well as loving others more deeply. Therefore, compassion restores our communication with self and other.

The journey inward is one well worth taking because it only serves to enrich our life experience by opening us up to unlimited possibilities of who we are and how we relate to others. It may take year or a lifetime to do this, but I can tell you from personal experience that it is well worth taking. I could not have possibly made it this far in life and experienced the challenges and traumas in my past had I not taken the road to healing the inner child that led me out of the darkness and gave me the strength to face life’s tragic moments. I do not believe that we are ever done, as once we start this journey it is one that we take on for the rest of our lives. What I am talking about is a commitment to self and to all beings to open our hearts to the all and allow the love to flow. When we open our hearts what we discover is the love within us lives and never dies it is like the vastness of space. Isn’t it worth exploring this journey to healing the inner child/self for us and for humanity?

According to Nagarjuna, the second-century Buddhist philosopher:

Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Love extinguishes anger in the hearts of living beings. Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Compassion extinguishes all sorrows and anxieties in the hearts of living beings. Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Joy extinguishes sadness and joylessness in the hearts of living beings. Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Equanimity extinguishes hatred, aversion and attachment in the hearts of living beings.